Daddy's girl

2 Months

I can't believe E. is two months old already! How the time has flown by... (I have a feeling I'm going to be saying this every month). Looking back at her newborn photos, I can't believe how much she's grown. She is already in 3 month clothing, and I have a feeling she will have outgrown those by the time she is actually 3 months! She is so strong; she can hold her head pretty much on her own, and she loves to stand up on her legs (with momma's help, of course!). Some new accomplishments this month have been bubble blowing, blowing "raspberries", smiling all on her own, and in the last few days she has managed to roll over onto her side a few times. I am thinking she will be an early mover; as she always seems so frustrated that she can't just get up and go! She is still sleeping well at night, though some nights she is waking up once in the middle of the night. We are still using a swaddle sack at bedtime, however I don't know how much longer we will continue to use it. Once she is truly able to roll over, I won't feel comfortable having her swaddled with her arms inside. The stats for her 2 month checkup are as follows:

Weight - 13.3 pounds (Dr. K thinks the scale must have been off when she was weighed last month; if you remember she weighed in at 15.1 pounds, and we're pretty sure she hasn't been losing weight since then! We figure she was probably around 12 pounds.) which puts her in the 92 percentile.

Height - 25 inches (96 percentile)

E. checked out with a clean bill of health, as did I. I had my postpartum checkup also, and I must say how grateful I am to feel completely back to normal physically. Aside from the 5-10 extra pounds left yet, and a few stretch marks (that appeared -seriously - two weeks after I had E. I had no idea that was even possible - I was losing weight! Ugh.), I don't even feel like I had a baby (and I'm talking about "down there"). I heard so many horror stories about women who give birth and then have all kinds of bladder issues; Kegels really do work!

I am truly enjoying every minute I get to spend with E., she is such a sweet little girl. I can't wait to see what the next few months will bring...

Afternoon nap with Daddy

Grace

Today is one of those days... they are fewer and farther between now, thank goodness... but they still come.

When the full realization of the journey we have embarked on hits me.

No matter how tired I am, or how frazzled my nerves are, she is still needy.

There will be nobody coming to pick her up and take her home with them; I am not just her babysitter.

When she cries out at 2am, I cannot simply pull the covers over my head and make it go away.

My needs and wants no longer come first.

It is still a tough pill to swallow.

One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. Whatever I need to do.

Thank God for that smile. It will be my saving grace.

When I grow up

The countdown has begun...only 24 more days left of my maternity leave. Ugh.

It's not that I'm dreading having to go back to work, because honestly I'm not sure I could be a stay at home mom full-time. I think having a job outside the home would be good for me, because I tend to get a little overwhelmed with baby duty on a full-time basis. This is one of the things I am embarrassed to admit, because I feel like I'm admitting I can't handle being with her or taking care of her, which is not the case. I just feel like sometimes I need a break; a little "me" time... and a job would offer that time to me. However, the job I have is not really the job I want. For starters, I currently work 3rd shift (ugh! ugh!), and I work full-time. I would love to find a part-time position, either 1st or 2nd shift, and there just isn't much available where I live right now.

I have always envied people who love their job. The people who knew what they wanted to be when they grew up, and found the means to achieve that goal, and look forward to their job and are passionate about it. That is not the case for me. I guess I never figured out what I wanted to be... and believe me, I spent lots of years (and lots of tuition money) trying to figure it out. Growing up, I was always the "artsy" kid, and I tried to pursue that when I first started college. But I didn't want to be an art teacher, and didn't know how else to make a career out of art, so I switched to graphic design. I think I made it a semester in those classes, and decided I didn't like that either, so I switched to interior design. Again, I made it a semester and didn't like that either. This went on for a few more years and a few more majors.... until I had so many random credits that I was able to get a liberal arts degree. Well, what the heck do you do with that?! I still haven't figured it out.

Finally I decided that I didn't know what my passion was, so I settled on a major that would provide me with career in the medical field. I figured that was a safe choice, as there are always jobs available, and the money is pretty good. I received a degree as a medical laboratory technician and have been working as a lab tech for the past year. I like it (sometimes), but I don't love it. And I find myself wondering, why is it that I can't find something I love to do, that I am passionate about, and that just so happens to provide me with a paycheck to boot?

An idea is forming in my head, and I've been mulling it over, wondering if it would be the right choice for me.... if I started this, would I stick with it? Would I finally find something that I am passionate about, and would offer me the fulfilling career I have always been searching for?

24 days.... ugh.

The best laid plans

After finding out we were expecting, there were certain things that I knew right off the bat I was/wasn't going to do with the baby, such as: I was going to exclusively breastfeed for at least six months (but hopefully longer), she absolutely was not getting so much as a drop of formula, I wasn't going to give her a bottle for the first couple of weeks (hello, nipple confusion), she was never getting a pacifier (maybe nipple confusion, and possibly down the road teeth problems?), we were going to use cloth diapers (saving our wallet and the environment!), and she was going to sleep in her co-sleeper beside our bed so that I could just reach over and pick her up when she needed to eat in the middle of the night.

Well...

She sleeps in her co-sleeper every night...across the hall in the guest bedroom, (we don't have blinds up yet in her room) because 1) she doesn't get up to eat in the middle of the night, and 2) she grunts and groans in her sleep, preventing C. and I from getting any decent sleep when she's right next to our bed.

My lovely array of cloth diapers are gathering dust in her room, while she is still sporting disposables...at first because we decided to wait until she was done pooping the icky meconium (didn't want to have to scrub that out of cloth diapers!), then they didn't seem like they would fit under her clothes (they are a little bulkier than disposables), and now I'm just too lazy to have to rinse out poopy diapers and do laundry every day. (And let me tell you, C. is not too happy that we spent all that money on the cloth diapers and I am not using them -they are an initial expense, but will save us money in the long run over disposables - so I really should start using them, at least part time.)

She had a pacifier before we even left the hospital. It was that or have my nipples fall off from her wanting to use those as a pacifier.

Now let's talk about breastfeeding.

Let me start by saying I had this idea that breastfeeding was going to be oh, so easy. I mean, it's the most natural way to feed your baby, right? So it has to work. Plus, I read Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding. So not only is it natural, but now I am an expert.

(Ha Ha Ha)

As part of my birth plan, right after E. was delivered, she was placed skin-to-skin on my chest to allow for bonding and to facilitate breastfeeding. She was supposed to be able to smell my breast, and wriggle her body to find it and start feeding all on her own. No, really! I've seen videos about it, and it's in the book. But I guess E. didn't get the memo, because she didn't find my breast on her own. I had to guide her to it, but she did latch on right away, and....YOWZA! It hurt! The nurse and lactation consultant came in to check and see if she was latched on properly, because an improper latch can cause a lot of pain while breastfeeding, but they both said she looked good. They also said that it shouldn't really hurt, but there might be some initial discomfort when she latched on. But I'm telling you, this hurt. Bad. So I suffered through the rest of the day and night, and into the next day, telling myself that my nipples just needed to "toughen up" and things would get better.

It didn't. By the next afternoon, I was literally dreading having to feed her, because it was so painful. The lactation consultant had me try a nipple shield to see if that would take some of the discomfort away, but it didn't, and E. didn't like it either. So that evening, because both C. and I hadn't slept well the first night in the hospital, we asked the nurse to take E. to the nursery (that was also on my list of "dont's" - I was planning on having her with me at all times), and because my nipples were so incredibly sore, the lactation consultant suggested giving them a break for the night to see if that would help. So, instead of having them bring E. back to me during the night for feedings, I told her to...*sigh*...give her a bottle. Boy, did I feel like a total failure. Not only am I sending my day old baby away from me, but I am giving her formula to boot. I wanted to cry.

To make a long story short (too late?), the next few weeks were terrible for breastfeeding. I was in so much pain, at some points I thought it was worse than the actual labor. But I was determined to be able to breastfeed, so I kept at it, even though I dreaded every feeding. Everyone I talked to said to just stick it out for at least two weeks; those were the worst and things should get better after that. During those two weeks, we also ended up giving her a bottle of formula here and there, just to give my sore nipples a break. She took to both bottle and breast without any trouble, and after the two weeks my nipples did stop hurting, but in all honesty it wasn't until the last few weeks that I have become fully comfortable with breastfeeding. We still give her a bottle of formula at night before bed, because she seems to sleep better, and if C. needs to feed her when I'm not around (I haven't been able to pump much extra milk yet, but that's a whole 'nother issue), but I'm still able to mainly breastfeed her. She is happy and healthy, and this arrangement works for us, so it turned out okay.

So the moral of this story is...while it is great to have some ideas of what you want/don't want to do with baby, keep your options open and don't be too rigid in your plans. Just like they say you can't plan the birth, I don't think you can plan the time after baby arrives either.

"The best laid plans of mice and men go oft astray" ~ Robert Burns

One Month

My goal is to post photos and stats for each month, to chart her growth. E. is actually more like 1.5 months now, but I started this blog late. We had her 1 month checkup on Thursday, and she weighed in at 15.1 lbs, which put her off the charts (100+ percentile) for weight, and she measured 23 3/4in. which put her in the 98th percentile for height! Not surprising, since both C. and I are tall and were pretty big babies, too. She can hold her head on her own really well, and this month she has started smiling (real smiles, not just gas) and cooing, which I absolutely love! She has also been sleeping

through the night for a few weeks (don't hate me!), although I suspect it is partly because we swaddle her for bed every night with the Halo Sleep Sack, and give her a bottle of formula right before bed (I've read that formula keeps a baby fuller longer than breast milk). So, whether she is sleeping through the night on her own accord, or with a little help from the above mentioned methods....I don't care! I love it! All in all this has been a pretty good month, and I love seeing her personality start to come out. I can't wait to see what the next few months will bring!

I'm not crazy...I think.

Being pregnant means getting LOTS of advice from family, friends, coworkers...even strangers. Most of the advice I gladly welcomed, seeing as I had never had a baby before and pretty much had no clue what the heck I was doing. (Yeah, you think you know what to expect, but you have no idea until you have a baby of your own. More on that at a later date...) Some of the advice I let go in one ear and out the other - just nod and smile.

But the advice that frustrated me the most was the advice I got when women found out I was planning a natural birth. It usually went something like this: "You mean, like, no epidural? Are you CRAZY?!" At this point they would usually shake their heads and chuckle to themselves as if they couldn't believe this naive foolishness was actually coming out of my mouth. Then would come something like, "Trust me, you WANT the epidural", or "Oh honey, you will definitely change your mind". Then they would proceed to tell me their birth horror stories. Now, I'm absolutely not implying that anybody who has an epidural is going to have a horrible birth; that is not the case at all. I have heard plenty of wonderful birth stories from women who have had epidurals. I just wish that these people had realized that as someone who was planning on not having any pain medication, the last thing I wanted to hear was how excruciatingly painful their labor was. I know these stories came with the best intentions; they were just trying to spare me the pain and discomfort that they felt during labor. And after giving birth without any pain medication, I completely understand why women choose to have an epidural...oh yeah. I do.

But what they didn't realize was that I was mentally preparing for the pain and discomfort of labor, and learning techniques that would help me cope with the pain naturally. As I mentioned in the previous post, C. and I attended Bradley birth classes, which I believe were essential in me being able to achieve a natural birth. We learned about the stages of labor, what's happening in the body with each stage, relaxation and meditation techniques, different positions to labor in that correspond with the stages of labor, and techniques for the birth partner, to name a few. And let me tell you...knowledge is power. Just by learning what is actually happening in your body during labor takes away some of the fear of labor; at least for me it did. And not viewing contractions as something negative and painful, and instead something incredibly powerful and positive. And learning how to stay in control of your labor, and not letting it overwhelm and control you. And learning how to give in and let your body do what it is meant to do - and completely capable of doing, in most cases.

When I sat down to write this post, I was planning on writing about why I chose a natural birth, but I think I've gone off on a tangent - not the first when it comes to this subject, I can guarantee you; I find I have so much I want to say - so I'll leave that for another day.